Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Honor My Truth | 2015 Life Manifesto

"Today is page 27 of my 365 book..." 

I've seen a few Facebook status updates, Instagram posts, and tweets reminding me that my life is the original story I create. I know this. Every day we live as the authors of our stories, yet, I'm consumed with the daily bullshit that fogs up the windshield of my vision. 

Ever since I started practicing meditation/prayer over a year ago I’ve acquired an acute awareness of the briar patch of thoughts in my brain. Self-deprecating thorny thoughts typically choke out the kind, gentler ones.

With 2015 still new and full of promise I decided to forgo the annual list of goals or resolutions as they feed my insatiable need to control every aspect of my life. If I failed to make those goals or resolutions happen I wasted precious time obsessing over my unsuccessful attempts and found myself in a feverish state of shame. I wrote down the words "surrender" and "self-care" and "self-love" in my journal because my controlling nature leads me to self-abuse. 

Of course, as soon as I closed my journal with a smug I can do this, life as I knew it spiraled beyond my control. Like, way beyond my tight, controlling grip. 

So far, my 2015 book started like a neurotic's memoir. Instead of trying to regain control I took a step back and breathed in...and out. In...and out. 

Last August my friend and Executive Director of My Refuge House invited me to be her date for the Next Day Better L.A. event. I said yes before knowing what the event entailed because dates with Crystal are never dull. 

After checking into the event we were handed lumpia appetizers in one hand and a white sticker in the other. What I thought was one of those "Hello, my name is" self-adhesive placards were anything but. We were asked to write our life manifesto in three words before sticking it like a scarlet letter upon our person. 

What the what?! 

Life manifesto in three words. Three. 

There I stood fidgeting with the sharpie pen because I couldn't just b.s. any three words on that sticker for ego's sake. I slipped the sticker in my purse and told Crystal I had no idea what my life manifesto was. It would be good for a future blog post. 

Five months later I'm here to tell you that I figured out what my life manifesto is for 2015. It's been a running theme these past couple of months so it was only fitting that I start my year off with it. 

Honor My Truth. 

With the help of my therapist I discovered I didn't know my truth. I believed what everyone told me about me but the clarity of MY truth was obscured. It went deeper than answering the question, who am I? 

The truth I believed was that I was the black sheep in my filipino family, a shitty mom, a family disgrace, a fraud, a weakling, full of crap, negative, pessimistic, skeptical, not enough, a martyr, etc. 

Yeah, the list goes on in an endless loop. 

When my therapist asked me what good I believed about myself I stared at her with a wide-eyed doofus expression. Huh

Do I love myself? Why not? Why is that so hard? 

What do you do for yourself that makes YOU happy? 

I either shrugged or sat in silence. I had no answers. I mean, yes, I run which results in euphoria but given my penchant for addiction that didn't count in the happiness-for-me arena. 

I've felt unbalanced because I tossed my own well-being in the discard pile. The more unbalanced I felt, the need to control intensified. But the vicious cycle ends now in 2015 and a new one begins. 

Discover my truth--->know my truth--->honor my truth--->embrace my truth--->self-care--->self-love--->balance--->contentment--->mindfulness--->present moment. 

My story will have conflicts but I don't need to resist or resolve them. I can surrender and allow life to unfold as it should, navigating through the good and bad. In doing so I can welcome the good without trying to control it to make it last. When I get to page 365 of my 2015 book I hope the ending surprises and delights me. 

So, tell me, what is YOUR life manifesto in three words? 

(If this piques your interest head over to the Next Day Better site to read how they are impacting communities around the world and encouraging others to live their life manifesto.)