Saturday, February 4, 2012


Last Monday night when I was sitting in the emergency room with my mom the exhaustion had seeped into my bones. It was around 10:30 p.m. when my mom was crying from the chest pains she's experienced for the last 24 hours. The sights and smells of the emergency room were reminiscent of 2011 as I sat on the uncomfortable chair blindly reading Steve Jobs's biography. I was done. 

I watched the pair of hands on the hospital clock dance a neverending minuet and I had a sudden urge to salute it with a middle finger. I allowed myself to think self-centered and self-absorbed thoughts because I was too flippin' tired of finding the positive in the situation. I was tired of taking care of people and even more weary of waiting. Waiting for my turn to live MY life. Because quite frankly, I hate living at home. I want my own place. I feel trapped with the debt that yes, I know, I accrued on my own volition. I hate that my family depends on me yet makes me feel like a burden at the same time. All rational thought ceased from existance in my fatigued brain that night. Inside my head I was a stark, raving, self-centered, lunatic bitch. 

The doctor came in at 3:30 a.m. to tell my mom what I already knew before they checked her in the emergency room. My mom wasn't having a heart attack. She was experiencing chest pains/heart palpitations from stress/anxiety. The stress/anxiety that she was too afraid to admit was partly caused by my presence at home. 

Driving home I told myself that I refused to be a victim of my circumstances especially when those circumstances were created by my bad decisions. I won't allow 2012 to be defined by people and things beyond my control! And I reminded myself of the many years my parents silently endured the hellish nightmare I put them through. They never gave up on me and always kept their door open when I needed to come back home. I have been the prodigal daughter more than once and they have never turned me away. Today, I saw this tweet in my Twitter timeline and it humbly reminded me that everything is temporary. I just need to get my head out of my a$$! 

I am thankful for:  the blessings of good health in my family, parents who don't give up on children even when they're being a-holes, the job I'm not passionate about that is slowly paying off my debt, and my faith. Because without my faith I would probably be in jail.