Tuesday, February 14, 2012

MY SAM GAMGEE

Ray -->>PEACE<<--Nannette
I've mentioned it many times before--Ray is the Sam Gamgee to my Frodo and not because he's my sidekick. In this epic story called My Life he is equal to the main character; the one who displays courage and loyalty as he does life with me. I know the journey isn't easy and somewhat perilous. Ray has to give constant reminders that he stands by Me-the good, the bad, and the VERY ugly. Remnants from an abusive marriage are magnified in this relationship  and creates many obstacles along the path. Just like Frodo I push Ray away while he tries to protect and take care of me. He rescues me from myself as I run headlong into decisions that ultimately bite me in the butt, yet, I have a difficult time admitting it. 

Before Ray and I reconnected he knew me as an innocent and idealistic teenager. But the twenty-five years that separated our lives created a distrustful woman who built an armor of steely pride to protect herself from further injury. I viciously react to things he says or does as if his intentions were meant to harm me or rob me of my independence. There is a battle of good and evil that rages in my head: the good that tells me I'm worthy enough to be loved and the bad that's full of the lies I've heard most of my life. And in the midst of it Ray is there, always patient but sometimes quite fed up with my brokenness. And understandably so because being my significant other is not for the faint of heart. He reiterates that I'm the one he could be honest with and through the fog of my distrust I know he's right. With him I operate on full disclosure which used to be difficult for me in the past. 

Every day, I work on being whole again. When my mind isn't warped by the lingering trauma I ask God to create a new being that walks in peace and total trust. I don't want to grow old as an embittered woman resistant to love and seeped in negativity. To prevent myself from becoming THAT woman I freely admit that I CAN be vicious, manipulative, and vindictive, then counteract it with being thankful for everything. Every day I pray that God fertilizes the soil of my heart with the words of 1 Corinthians 13, "It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." We've all heard those words millions of times but my actions fail to emulate them. 

Ray and I have known each other for almost thirty years and I am grateful that he chooses to accompany me on this journey, protecting me, doing everything to keep me sane, and having the courage to love me. Our love isn't one of romance but a union born out of a deep friendship and loyalty. We are two imperfect beings traversing through the landscape of our story with humor, faith, honesty, and valor. 

On this day that celebrates love (February 14) may you all have a Sam Gamgee as a fellow companion on your journey! 

Happy <3 Day, Ray!