Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Coming of Age

Nothing screams "OLD LADY" louder than these foul-smelling white patches popularly known as "Salonpas". For those who are fortunately ignorant to what Salonpas are please visit their web-site. To my fellow Filipino cohorts or family, I don't have to explain that the sight and smell of Salonpas conjures up images of our Lolas and Lolos mummifying themselves in these patches to alleviate their aches, pains, and arthritis symptoms.

Last year,  after countless doctors visits, x-rays, ultrasounds, MRIs, and physical therapy I discovered that my neck and spine are degenerating. I was advised to take it easy, don't push myself like a teenager, blah blah blippity blah. I was given pamphlets on how NOT to sleep, specifically, on my stomach. Since my goal is to continue running well into the golden age of 80, I've been extremely careful in treating my precious temple like a fragile piece of Renaissance art and have succeeded until now. I woke up Sunday night from a deep sleep...ON MY STOMACH! It is Wednesday and I am paying the price for my faux pas.

Out of my arsenal of pain management treatments, Salonpas does the job the best. (Please note: this is not a shameless plug for Salonpas; rather, it is my vent of the day so bear with me.) I told my doctor narcotic medications were out of the question, Ben-Gay was too greasy, muscle-relaxers knocked me out for days, and Icy Hot was useless. However, my vanity and stubborn pride compels me to procrastinate (oops, failed resolution #1) from using Salonpas until I am dizzy with pain. Sitting at my desk I could feel the muscle spasms on my neck and back like phantom labor pains. So I dragged my feet into our office bathroom to plaster myself with Salonpas.

Mistake #1: Never attempt to stick Salonpas on any part of your body in a very small bathroom. Thankfully, my contortions and slipping on the toilet and sink (don't ask) didn't alert my co-workers.

Mistake#2: Never attempt to stick Salonpas on your back because you will need more than one patch AND more than a pair of hands.

Mistake #3: Never attempt to stick Salonpas on your neck without putting long hair up first, removing your shirt, necklace, bra, and office badge lanyard. Butt naked is preferable when sticking oneself with these dratted patches. (I should know better.)

Mistake #4: Never attempt to stick Salonpas on AFTER you've doused yourself with perfume. Acqua di Gioia does not cancel out the aroma of menthol. In fact, it is a complete weakling to the overpowering bully, Salonpas that the strong odor would bust an olfactometer.

Mistake #5: Never attempt to stick Salonpas on your back in a confined, fluorescent-lit bathroom that will cause you to slip (addendum to mistake #3, remove high heels), plastering your face against the mirror, and magnifying the crevices and wrinkles under your eyes, thus furthering the depressing reality of aging.

After my botched attempts at sticking Salonpas on my person, I nonchalantly sauntered out of the bathroom hoping the cloying smell taking my nostrils hostage didn't permeate the office.

So I wear my badges of maturity without pride, unseen by my co-workers, hoping I will not pass out from the strong odoriferous scent of Salonpas. If that happens and someone breaks out the smelling salts, just put this granny out of her misery. Please.